Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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