I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
