Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
