I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
