Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My life is pants optional.
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