So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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