My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
