the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
