just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
