Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
