I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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