Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
