You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
