Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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