i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
