the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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