if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
