Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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