How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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