My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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