She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
