Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
