you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
