I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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