I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Panties = found
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