giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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