Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
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Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
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Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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