Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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