Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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