dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
