im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
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You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
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It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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