yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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