I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
