There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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