it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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