I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
