u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
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She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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