a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
my poor anus
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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