Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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