I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
