I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
