i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
