Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
