When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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