I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
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I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
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Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!