Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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