Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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