just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad