she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i need to put some appletini on your dick
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
