He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
