Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
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Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
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Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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