yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
