omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
