Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
