You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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