don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
