We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I intend to get homeless drunk
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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